How to Know if You’re Ready for Marriage

By: Siba Siddique

When making important life decisions, such as choosing our study or career paths, moving to a new city, or choosing the right partner, we need to be clear about our goals in life and gather information about the topic. 

Why do we get married?

In Islam, marriage is described as a “firm commitment” made between the husband and wife, so that they may find comfort in each other. It is important to set the right intentions when starting to think about marriage: to raise a good family, protecting oneself from haram [Bukhari and Muslim], and providing mutual support and protection.

“And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect.” – Surah Rum, Verse 21

It is important to make du’aa and perform Salat al-Istikharah at every step of the way, a prayer from the Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ for seeking the guidance of Allah by asking Him to make it easy and give you barakah if it is good, and to place obstacles making it difficult if it isn’t good for you. There are many resources on how to pray Istikharah, and one of three outcomes can be expected after the prayer:

1. Inclination to say ‘yes’ 

2. Feeling of fear/ hesitation

3. Inclination to say ‘no’ 

Ultimately, Allah will guide you to the decision that is best for you in this life and the next, إن شاء الله.

Age ≠ Emotional Maturity 

In certain cultures, there is a social stigma associated with people who marry ‘late’ as there are different expectations of what is considered an appropriate age to get married. Social pressures may sometimes be projected onto an individual depending on the environment they have been raised in, such as considering girls who are below a certain age or who are studying as a better choice to marry than girls who are working.

Sometimes, this stigma causes individuals to agree to a marriage proposal when they are not ready to get married, financially, or emotionally, or they are afraid to decline the offer. It is important that both men and women should be getting married when they are both comfortable and prepared to take the step, especially since this is a long-term commitment.

Finally, the fact that the husband should be older than his wife is shaped by the culture, and we do not need to look further than the example of our Prophet ﷺ and Khadijah (r.a.), the latter who was 15 years older when they got married.

Financial Stability

Typically, in South Asian and Arab societies, the financial responsibility falls on the man irrespective of whether his wife is earning money. While women aren’t obliged to earn money to support the family, if two people with the same educational qualifications and earning power are able to make the marriage work, then why should there be other concerns? 

The issue arises when it is not about the wedding and more about the marriage. Getting married is a family affair that includes multiple events that result in the newlywed couple or their families to enter into their new relationship with financial debt that a simpler wedding would have avoided. During these times, many weddings have scaled-down with only the immediate family members and close relatives in attendance, and also a rise in virtual weddings.

Finding the right man

Say you’ve met someone whom you like, who shares similar interests and goals, and who meets your ‘getting married checklist’... now what? In the process of getting to know one other with the intention of marriage, one will check for compatibility, mention dealbreakers, and speak about what they expect from the marriage.

While checking the character and manners in a future partner, there are two qualities that I wanted to share from Nouman Ali Khan’s khutbah on marriage: al-Qawiyy (ألقوي) meaning financially strong and physically/socially capable, and al-Amin (أمين) meaning trustworthy, sincere, honest, and reliable. By ensuring both of these qualities, you are checking whether they are able to stand up for themselves and whether they have a level of safety within themselves in sha Allah. 

رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous [Qur’an Surah Al-Furqan : 74]