The Million-Dollar Question: “Why aren’t you Married Yet?”
By: Mariam Nawaz
“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” ― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
Jane Austen was always one of my favorites. Born and raised in the west, with eastern heritage meant I could relate to her writing much more than some of my peers. Pressure in our community still existed just as it did for Elizabeth Bennet. Just as she suggested, single men and women definitely were searching-and thanks to many social media and match making platforms, meeting a potential match never seemed easier. Yet, finding the right person seemed harder than ever. This begs the question; how did we find ourselves in this paradox? What is it we are searching for?
Finding a compatible partner isn’t a science, the short answer to the above: Allah swt has already decreed when each person will get married and whom they will marry- it’s something that goes beyond tick boxes and filtering-by-distance. Many issues arise during the process and some are, unfortunately, obstacles we create ourselves.
When searching for a spouse, we have to check ourselves with regards to the following:
Law of attraction- before we even start talking to someone, many of us have a negative bias: we base our search on the back of bad experiences
Relationship goals – what are they, actually?
Forgetting the bigger purpose- remembering Allah’s divine plan
Law of Attraction
The basic principle here applies: if you think negative things and put out negative vibes, you will attract negative people. Let’s break down the most common way this negative bias forms.
Person A starts speaking to Person B.
Things seemed to be going well, they met each other a few times, feelings started to grow and then slowly…things took a turn.
Person A finds themselves waiting longer for replies and arranging a convenient time for a conversation seems like physics.
Or:
None of the above, Person A has just been outright ghosted.
The challenge: These experiences lead to hurt, confusion and a lot of negative associations with the process and the opposite sex. We start to internalize these emotions and then project them in unhealthy ways to future potentials.
Dealing with the obstacle: Take some time and space to rationalize your experience- understand these emotions correctly before moving on and speaking to the next potential. Saying ‘I’m not interested in time wasters’, or ‘only looking for something serious’ is not going to stop someone from wasting your time. Additionally, projecting these vibes on a new person might be translated quite pessimistically, by an otherwise good potential. Instead, label the past experience for what it was, an experience. Experiences are there for us to learn from and grow. We have to be careful not to filter potentials from a place of fear, rejection, or insecurity. Once those negative emotions have been dealt with, we could be looking at a new situation (or potential) with a completely different perspective.
Searching for #Relationship Goals
Never before have we had such an insight into carefully edited and filtered aspects of other people’s lives. In addition to this, technology has allowed us access to a magnitude of things (including ‘potential’ partners) literally at our fingertips.
The challenge: There’s two intertwined challenges this second obstacle presents.
We have to be careful not to fall into the illusion of what a compatible partner might be, based on the careful snippets of the relationships we see on social media.
Marriage websites/apps can sometimes create a false sense of unlimited options- so we may not actually give real, genuinely decent potentials a chance, because they don’t fit the amplified idea of ‘perfection’ that has developed, as a result of mass social media consumption.
Dealing with the obstacle: We filter prospects based on certain qualities and priorities- and rightly so. It is incumbent to then consider the filters we are using to establish compatibility. Couple goals, picture perfect holiday snaps, beautiful bouquets of trimmed roses in a heart-shaped box, are all great tokens of love. Yet, ultimately, in our deen- marriage is there as a means to reach a common goal: to seek the pleasure of Allah swt and to attain Jannah. Showing tokens of affection, travel bucket-lists and occasionally binge-watching Netflix, are small, but important details that make up the day-to-day of married life. However, these smaller aspects have to be a part of the overall picture: seeking Allah’s pleasure.
The foundations, or roots of each relationship have to first be strong: mutual respect, understanding and ultimately, a shared purpose, to attain Jannah. Once these roots are in place, you can start to appreciate the blooms- the small pleasures marriage brings. Searching for a partner with this in mind, will make it easier to deal with the testing times with patience, due to the common foundations cultivated to begin with. You can try to admire the beautiful blossoms on a tree, but if the roots aren’t healthy- the blossoms won't bloom.
The Bigger Purpose
We have to remember the purpose behind getting married and how Allah swt has decreed a perfect plan for each of us.
The challenge: It’s hard not to become disheartened when things don’t work out with a seemingly good potential. But it is important to remember, that things didn’t work out because Allah swt loves us and because of His love- he doesn’t want us to be with a person who was not meant to bring good into our life and hereafter.
Dealing with the obstacle: Remember, Allah swt has created all things in pairs, it is a part of our fitrah to seek companionship and love. The Prophet (saws) said, that Allah swt said ‘I am as my servant expects me to be…’ (Bukhari). If you have a firm belief that Allah swt will bring this blessing of marriage into your life, then Allah swt will. Make sincere du’a to Allah swt that he answers your prayers and make an intention to get married for the sake of attaining Allah’s pleasure. Make it a habit to try to pray Qiyam-al-Layl at least once a week, make du’a for yourself and for others looking to get married, as the angels will say ‘amen, for you also…’ (Sahih Muslim). Lastly, read the du’a mentioned in theQur’an,“Rabbana hab lana min azwajina wa dhurriyatina qurrata a`yunin wa'j`alna li'l muttaqina imama)” [Qur'an, 25:74]and pray to Allah to bring ease in this matter for you and those around you also searching.