Positivity In Relationships

By: Anousha Vakani

When I asked my husband what positivity in a relationship, and particularly our relationship, means to him, he shrugged and said, "we're just happy, aren't we?" 

Just like that. 

For me, and most other people, there's a lot more to unpack: history must be uncovered, conversations must be replayed, actions must be analyzed. We fill pages and pages of speculation, divide them by theme, and assign color-coded binders. We bring out the highlighters and look for things we missed the first time around. We jot new findings in the margins, pull all-nighters looking for answers, and still, it isn't as simple as "we're just happy." 

We, the overthinkers, look down at our notes and think, "but are we?"

To be honest, my first impulse when my husband answered my question was to say just that, but I knew what he would say. "Aren't we?" And here, I might hit him with another "are we really?" and we could play a game of verbal ping pong all day or I could let him continue:

"We talk and go places, we have fun, two kids and a similar taste in TV. We have a whole life together and therefore, we are happy." 

For me, happiness is a fleeting mood, not the end of a fairy tale life. I will never be able to unsee all the layers. I see the effort we put in to talk to each other and go places for fun. I see the work we put in to raise and provide for our kids. I see all the days we sink into the couch to revel in the silence and fall asleep instead. 

But still, I agree. At the end of each day, what matters more than anything is all the tiny encounters we had that day. We can gather all the things that are good in our lives and we would have a towering mountain. 

Did we make up after an argument? Did we go through all the low, boring bits enjoying our own company at least? Did we smile, even when we didn't want to because it's charity? Did we look at everything we have together and thank The One who blessed us? 

Then we chose positivity and therefore, we are happy.