Is Communication Really the Key to a Successful Relationship?
By: Rabia Mahmood
How many times have we heard that this magical word is the key to any successful relationship? From YouTube couples to Islamic scholars, I can’t even count how many times this has been mentioned as a fundamental building block for marriage and relationships. From what I’ve heard, it seems very black and white. You either communicate, or you don’t.
But I don’t feel that’s necessarily true. Even when we are silent, we are communicating something. Don’t tell me you’ve never used the “silent treatment.” Why is that effective, anyway? You stand up, walk away, start aggressively putting dishes in the dishwasher. Does that not communicate something? It means that you’ve said what you needed to say, and now you’re letting your silence speak for you.
Let’s talk about the type of communication that most of us turn to, though. Cell phones! Smartphones! iPhones! And the small percentage of us who don’t have iPhones but would still like to be appreciated from time to time.
Modern technology has done us a lot of favors, but it has definitely complicated communication. Sure, it’s easier to get a hold of someone, because whose hands are completely empty these days? But oftentimes, communication is limited to emojis and GIFs. And sadly, that just isn’t enough, especially when you’re trying to build long-lasting, meaningful relationships. Now, I know more than anyone the power of a well-timed and contextually appropriate GIF, but you also need to have the tough talks, the serious talks, the sit-down-with-no-distractions talks. I still struggle with this, seven years into marriage. Between two little kids, my hormones being thrown off from pregnancy, and the fact that there definitely isn’t 24 hours in the day, it can be hard to find time to actually sit down, talk, and be heard. But the conversations that my husband and I have when we put our phones to the side are the ones that end up being most beneficial.
Which brings me to my next point: take time to understand each other’s communication style. We don’t all get our point across in the same way. Even siblings communicate differently from one another, so be patient in the beginning. And the more you communicate, the more you’ll understand each other’s communication styles. So there’s really only one option, and that is, to communicate!
Interruptions are never fun. I hate it when I’m interrupted. I’m sure everyone I talk to hates when I interrupt them. So wait your turn, and others will wait for theirs when you speak.
One thing that I have started doing more recently is paying attention to location, location, location. Look around. Where do you have your most insightful conversations? My eyes go straight to my couch. It’s cozy, in a well-lit part of my apartment, and there is a blanket I like to snuggle with when I’m talking to someone. I’m comfortable, but not so comfortable that I might fall asleep. That’s why the bedroom is off-limits. There are toys scattered near the couch, but no food to distract me from the conversation. That’s why the dining table is off-limits. Now I’m no expert on the art of feng shui, but I do think it’s important that your conversations are in a neutral part of your home because I strongly believe that the energy from your conversations pours into the space you’re sitting in.
And lastly, make it fun! Whether you’re getting to know each other, or already know each other like the back of your hand, it’s important to keep the lines of communication open and honest. Not all conversations have to be serious. But they do have to be regular. I bought my husband “101 Conversation Starters for Couples” from Amazon for his birthday to keep in the car, because sometimes, that’s literally the only time we get to sit down and talk. Pick a card, and take turns answering. Sometimes, we know each other’s answers, and sometimes we don’t. Either way, it’s entertaining and gives us a chance to talk.
Communication is the key to building any relationship, whether that’s friendship, courtship, marriage, etc. But remember that there are many different shapes and sizes of keys. And the most important thing is that you find the key that opens the door to your own relationship.