Navigating the Trenches of Modern Muslim Marriage
In today’s world, finding a spouse as a Muslim can feel like navigating a battlefield. Whether you’re looking online, through friends, or at community events, it seems like the process has become more challenging, and the stakes higher than ever. Both men and women are feeling the pressure — and many are starting to lose hope. But here’s the thing: while the path to finding the right partner may be difficult, it’s essential to remain patient, focused, and intentional. This journey isn’t about settling or giving in to societal timelines, but rather about putting your trust in Allah and preparing yourself for when the right person comes along.
The Challenge of Finding a Spouse Today
The search for a spouse has become more complicated in the modern era. The rise of online "dating" platforms and apps, specifically for Muslims, was supposed to make things easier, but in many cases, it has created new challenges. What was meant to be a means for people to find their other half has sometimes turned into a space where marriage is not taken as seriously as it should be. People may swipe without genuine intention, ghost one another without reason, or enter conversations with no real desire to commit. It’s disheartening, and the frustration that comes from it is very real. On top of that, the fear of getting hurt or betrayed through these interactions often leads to people either giving up on marriage entirely or lowering their standards. But let’s pause for a moment here. If you are feeling discouraged, remember that while this process can feel draining, you are not alone. Many Muslims today are struggling with similar experiences, but that doesn’t mean that you should lose hope.
The Importance of Vetting and Intentionality
Given the difficulty many people face, it’s crucial to be discerning about who you’re speaking to, especially in online spaces. While Islam doesn’t support traditional dating, there is a way to approach online matchmaking or marriage apps with integrity. This is where the importance of vetting comes in. Whether you’re meeting someone online or through a recommendation, it’s vital to assess their seriousness and suitability for marriage early on. This doesn’t mean bombarding them with personal questions right away, but rather having open, honest conversations about your intentions and goals.
Vetting should also involve involving trusted family members or community figures early in the process. Their insight can often help you identify red flags or validate your feelings about a person’s character. Remember, marriage is a lifelong commitment, and it requires effort from both parties. This is why it’s essential to make sure that the person you’re speaking to views it with the same seriousness you do.
Tawakkul: Trusting in Allah’s Plan
While being proactive in your search is important, so is having tawakkul — the reliance and trust in Allah. At the end of the day, the timing of when you find your spouse is in Allah’s hands. Sometimes we stress ourselves with the fear of being "too late" or feeling like we are running out of time, but Allah’s wisdom is greater than our understanding. We may not always know why something is taking time, but trust that it is for your ultimate benefit.
A hadith of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) reminds us: “Know that if the whole world were to gather together to benefit you with something, they would not benefit you except with what Allah has already prescribed for you, and that if the whole world were to gather together to harm you with something, they would not harm you except with what Allah has already prescribed for you. ” (Sunan al-Tirmidhi) This teaches us that everything happens according to Allah’s plan, and sometimes the best things come after a period of waiting and growth.
Focus on Your Own Development
Rather than focusing solely on the search for your future spouse, use this time to focus on your own personal and spiritual growth. Are you developing yourself into the best version of yourself so that when the right person comes, you are ready? Are you working on your emotional resilience, communication skills, and patience? Are you deepening your connection to Allah and strengthening your relationship with your deen?
Sometimes, we think that the moment we get married, everything will fall into place. But the reality is that marriage comes with its own tests and trials. The stronger and more grounded you are in your character and faith beforehand, the better equipped you will be to handle the responsibilities and challenges that marriage brings.
Don’t Settle Out of Fear
One of the biggest traps people fall into is feeling like they need to settle because they’re running out of time. The fear of being "left behind" or that the "right one" will never come along can push people to marry someone who doesn’t meet their values, beliefs, or long-term vision for a relationship. But settling often leads to unhappiness, and can cause more harm in the long run than waiting for the right person.
Marriage is a sacred bond in Islam, one that deserves careful consideration. It’s better to remain patient and single than to rush into a marriage with someone who isn’t right for you. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) advised: “A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So, marry the one who is religious, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper)” (Sahih al-Bukhari). This applies to both men and women. The qualities that truly matter in a spouse are those rooted in faith and character — not surface-level traits or pressures.
In these challenging times, it’s important to remain hopeful, intentional, and steadfast in your pursuit of marriage. Understand that while the process may be difficult, and sometimes discouraging, Allah is in control. Trust in His plan, focus on your personal growth, and remain vigilant in vetting potential spouses. Most importantly, don’t settle for less than what you deserve. When the right person comes along, you’ll be glad you waited and prepared yourself for a marriage that is rooted in love, respect, and faith. Keep your trust in Allah, make dua, and continue to strive toward becoming the best version of yourself. Allah’s timing is always perfect, and when the time is right, everything will fall into place.