When choosing to pursue marriage, everyone naturally wants to do their best to choose their partner “correctly”. But of course, we can only do our due diligence so much, and the rest is up to Allah. Not all marriages end in happy endings, and whatever path is written for you is your test from Allah. That being said, what considerations should we have when looking for a potential spouse?
Personally, I got married fresh out of university at the age of 21 without much guidance from anyone, but I have learned a lot since then through my marriage and through the experiences of those around me. Naturally, we should get the basics out of the way before delving deeper - such as background information, location, lifestyle etc. But once we’ve settled on those and are happy to proceed, these are the main points I would consider:
1. Vision for life - While someone can seem perfect for you on paper, something a lot of people tend to overlook are ideals or values and what someone is looking to get out of life. Are you looking to live a normal easygoing life? Are you super ambitious? What is it that inspires you? Two people who vary in these aspects can clash in a way that people don’t generally consider before marriage, and it might only show after being married to each other for some time.
2. Chemistry - In my opinion, the chemistry between two people is considerably more impactful than the initial attraction. While looks and appearance will change over time, chemistry is a spark that will keep a couple drawn to each other through the years. While of course, we should only explore this in a halal manner, chemistry is still something that you can generally tell if you have with someone, or you don’t.
3. Mind Matters - A bit more ambiguous of a concept, but important nonetheless. While you shouldn’t necessarily seek to marry someone who is the same as you in the way that they think, it is important to have a shared passion in how you approach the world. Feeling distant from your partner or like they don’t understand the essence of you as a person or what you value can make for a very lonely marriage.
4. Transparency and honesty - This can sometimes be difficult to assess before marriage, which is why character references are so important! But for example, when I expressed interest in my husband for marriage and he agreed he was also interested, he went straight to his family to discuss it with them. A potential partner should never seek to keep you hidden from their family or their intentions with you.
5. Know your non-negotiables - We are all created differently and have things we can tolerate more or less than others. But it is important to know what these are for you and remain firm on them when choosing a spouse. Again, sometimes it can be hard to assess these things if this is not someone you’ve known for a long time. For example, I was not. interested in anyone who had a quick temper. That was something I was exposed to a lot in my childhood and was not interested in inviting back into my adulthood. The best way to assess these sorts of things is by observing someone with their family.
6. Agree on intentions - At the end of the day, we should seek to get married for the sake of Allah, and to bring ourselves and our spouse closer to Allah through our union. In my experience and observations, marriage can truly make or break someone’s deen. And that’s not to say anyone else is responsible for our own relationship with Allah, but it’s just accepting that marriage is a huge part of our lives and has an impact - good or bad. But regardless of what a couple goes through together, if you have that common ground to come back together for the sake of Allah, it can allow so much room for growth and connection.
All that being said, I don’t think there is a perfect answer to finding the right person. For some, there is a lot of consideration that goes into it, and for others, they truly experience a “when you know you know” moment. I will say, however, that there is a balance with all things in life. We shouldn’t pursue someone for worldly reasons, but we shouldn’t pursue them solely for religious reasons. You should be attracted to your spouse, you should feel level with your spouse in values and your pursuits in life, and you should feel inspired by your spouse to strive for the sake of Allah. When all else fails, truly put your trust in Allah and make istikhara, and trust that everything will come together as it should in His timing.